If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Randomize
