I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Fuck me I smell like cheese
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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