upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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