1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
