If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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