went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
