New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
