I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
