I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Randomize
