I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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