its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Randomize
