I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
