Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
What happened to fro yo and sex?
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
