he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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