just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Randomize
