I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
