i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
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