I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
