**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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