my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
