Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize