U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
