im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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