meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
My balls are so social today.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Randomize
