At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
