he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
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