Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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