he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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