just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
