dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Randomize
