Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
