i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
