you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
