I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
