everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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