I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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