i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize