hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
