turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Randomize
