allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
