im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
