Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
