Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
