dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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