I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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