new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
