I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Randomize
