I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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