I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Randomize
