When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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