Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
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