there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Randomize
