peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
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