Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
