In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Randomize
