I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
Randomize
