She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Randomize
