Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize