I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Text me some of your sweat
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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