I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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