Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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