Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Randomize
