No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
