Your dad touched me again.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Randomize
