Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
